TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully from location. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have A different spot the place American Gentlemen can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he really should stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from House, a feature getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after obtaining the building's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Trump Tower Damascus Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "In case you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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